I have to say that this whole world we created really excited me, so I thought I would share it with you all here and ask for some helpful tips too.
Thanks to brietta-a-m-f for the helpful tweaks, you made this so much better!
Circlebound - Chp 1 - RebirthI was chosen for greatness, hand-picked by the elders of the Circle to join the ranks of the Reborn.
That day remains forever engrained upon my memory, for it was the day that my life as a carefree child ended, and my second life began. They called it "Rebirth"— a time when the person we Had Been, died as we stepped into the shadowed halls of the Circle Chamber.
Stripped naked, we halted before a circular pool at the centre of the hall, a sharp shaft of sunlight slicing down from the opening at the dome of the chamber, glittering upon the undulating waters before us. Here, in the centre of our enlightened realm, both sky and water met within the embrace of earth and shadow, merging in that single womb-like space.
Any thoughts of our families were overshadowed now by the apprehension and fear of the moment we had consigned ourselves to once we had set foot within the hallowed Circle. Memories of the w
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However, to me, this needs a bit more work. It's so short and since it's poetic in nature, every word needs to be (almost) perfect. Your writing is very much bound by the conventional fantasy voice. It lacks your own. There's too much telling. How does she feel about what's happening to her? There's only a description of state and means through which that state is achieved.
There are some rather pedestrian metaphors such as "memories like gems", and then "memories as weights". Maybe you could consider tying them up in a way and developing them. Do we hoard memories like we would precious stones, do we set them into metal and wear them, do we hide them in boxes?
Off to read the first chapter.
Thanks also for your truthful crit - I agree the entire thing needs tweaks but I mean as something written for fun it's not that bad. This was more like a teaser that was intended to be short - the character speaks in more depth later. The first few chapters read pretty rigidly as I was just getting into the idea and laying down all the boring ground-work - this character however I agree is wishy washy, I didn't enjoy writing for her as I was trying to keep it characterless and almost...blank, and to go too in depth on how she felt at this point would make the prologue long and defeat the purpose of keeping her sort of dead character-wise - later I hope to inject more personality into her as she starts to remember
Hmm well gems might refer to hoarding - if they're good memories you like to keep them and reflect back on them as something precious, if they're bad and you let them oppress you, they weigh you down and prevent you moving on - I guess some people might wear memories like brands - but then that would be a cliche phrase too - I'm finding it difficult to find phrases referring to memories that don't sound cheesy lol
Well, the first thing I have to say is that I hope it doesn't remain in the deep freeze for long. I would definitely love to see more of this tale coming along sometime in the very near future. So, in response to your third question, YES I want more!
I don't know how much I can speak to voice yet, or whether the piece is static or dynamic, simply because it is so short. There is definitely a lot of emotion going on, and most of it seems melancholic and full of longing.
There are no massive faux-pas as you call them, but there are two things I would tweak.
This first is simply a typo. "weights that burden and callous or souls." should be our
And the second is this sentence "Each night I sleep as though it is my last, the day I have lived feeling long and ageing, but filled with the short brief memories I have collected within that too-short span of existence." It is slightly awkward to read. I would break it into two sentences and tweak the second half a little bit, so maybe something like this:
"Each night I sleep as though it is my last. Each day I have lived feeling long and ageing, filled with the short brief memories I have collected."
Other than that, it is an excellent teaser that tickles my imagination! I can't wait to see where this goes next!