Circlebound - Chp 1 - RebirthI was chosen for greatness, hand-picked by the elders of the Circle to join the ranks of the Reborn.
That day remains forever engrained upon my memory, for it was the day that my life as a carefree child ended, and my second life began. They called it "Rebirth"— a time when the person we Had Been, died as we stepped into the shadowed halls of the Circle Chamber.
Stripped naked, we halted before a circular pool at the centre of the hall, a sharp shaft of sunlight slicing down from the opening at the dome of the chamber, glittering upon the undulating waters before us. Here, in the centre of our enlightened realm, both sky and water met within the embrace of earth and shadow, merging in that single womb-like space.
Any thoughts of our families were overshadowed now by the apprehension and fear of the moment we had consigned ourselves to once we had set foot within the hallowed Circle. Memories of the w
Well, the first thing I have to say is that I hope it doesn't remain in the deep freeze for long. I would definitely love to see more of this tale coming along sometime in the very near future. So, in response to your third question, YES I want more!
I don't know how much I can speak to voice yet, or whether the piece is static or dynamic, simply because it is so short. There is definitely a lot of emotion going on, and most of it seems melancholic and full of longing.
There are no massive faux-pas as you call them, but there are two things I would tweak.
This first is simply a typo. "weights that burden and callous or souls." should be our
And the second is this sentence "Each night I sleep as though it is my last, the day I have lived feeling long and ageing, but filled with the short brief memories I have collected within that too-short span of existence." It is slightly awkward to read. I would break it into two sentences and tweak the second half a little bit, so maybe something like this:
"Each night I sleep as though it is my last. Each day I have lived feeling long and ageing, filled with the short brief memories I have collected."
Other than that, it is an excellent teaser that tickles my imagination! I can't wait to see where this goes next!