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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-04-05
Circlebound - Blessed Be The Queen - prologue by Sleyf is a perfect example of a well written prologue. It's intriguing, draws the reader in but leaves them asking questions. ( Suggested by mirz-alt and Featured by inknalcohol )
:iconlupizora:
Lupizora Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It really hooks you in and leaves you wanting for more! I think it's the shift in the narrative that does the trick, but the whole premise is interesting anyway (oh my, the suspense is killing me...). Who is this lady? Why does she have to tolerate this fate? It's a healthy amount of questions for now and if it was a book, I'll certainly turn the page to read what's next! Well done! :thumbsup: 
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
aw wow thanks I'm glad I could achieve that!  I'm always concious of making boring intros so I'm glad that i could add just enough suspense to make people wanting to read more - that means a lot!
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:iconlupizora:
Lupizora Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not sure what to say, but yeah! It rocked! Can't wait to read the rest!
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:iconsaraais:
Saraais Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
well I have to say that I never faved any literature yet, simply because I never really had a passion for texts. Nor am I someone who knows much about writing skills, but I simply had to because this was a real pleasure to read. Very nice thoughts and a wonderful choice of words. I love it! Thanks for sharing and congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aww thanks!  I'm glad that mine could be one of the first lit pieces you faved!  I think also it doesn't matter if you don't know much about the technicalities of writing - I don't - but being able to still enjoy it is a good thing - after all a lot of readers aren't professionals, and neither are a lot of writers, but being able to share and enjoy is a good thing
Thanks for commenting and faving!
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:iconmnmccarthy:
mnmccarthy Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome job! And you were saying to me you didn't think yourself a good writer. Well, Missy, I think this is pretty darn good, and well deserved the DD. :D :D :D :D :D (That's right, it gets five happy faces out of five) ;) 
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks :hug: I'm glad you think so, personally I didn't think this was that great but I stand corrected! Lol thanks for the five happy faces :D they're so much better than stars
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014   Writer
Congratulations on the DD, Sleyf! I didn't know you wrote but here you are, with a prologue that makes us want to read more. :clap:
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aww thanks!  Yes I write, but only for fun really - and I'm so glad that the prologue is enticing
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2014   Writer
:) :iconwelcomeplz:
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:iconascphotos:
ASCPhotos Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD :) What I like about this is the voice. I do not know what you sound like, but when I read it, I could tell hear a voice saying it in my head (It sounds weird because I'm not explaining it properly, so forgive me). What I'm saying is that, it's not too choppy, or too fluid. It's not to casual or too formal. Your sentence structure, syntax, and word-choice, all complement each other to make this an effective piece of literature that really draws readers to want to read more.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you! I'm glad you like the voice - it's still one of those things that concerns me about this, personally I find it too ...empty, but that's the point. I think I understand you! You hear it narrated - I kind of do too, and I'm really grateful that you find it so well written. That means a lot to me since I just write for fun mostly
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:iconascphotos:
ASCPhotos Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
(sorry for all my typos)
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:iconendorell-taelos:
Endorell-Taelos Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014   General Artist
:iconcongratsddplz:  Congratulations on your DD. :D  I've had similar thoughts to this before in RP where without memories would you be nothing? It's quite an interesting subject to explore.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you! I think when BlueNephelim and I first discussed the idea of this, we found it interested that there would be this character who simply existed as this figurehead, like an empty vessel filled up with only what she was told - I don't know where the memory idea came from lol...but I guess when people lose their memories they lose a huge chunk of personality or history, basically starting as a fresh person - which is kind of frightening
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:iconmagnius159:
Magnius159 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
congrats!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you!
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:iconsiedhr:
siedhr Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Student Writer
This is an interesting concept and the prologue makes me curious. I would definitely read more. Are we our memories? I would say no, that's not all we are. I look at memories as the fabric, but who we are has the shape of clothes. How we choose to weave the fabric, cut it, sew it, wear it, accessorize it. Humans forget. It is necessary for our survival. I'm curious how forgetfulness fits into your character.

However, to me, this needs a bit more work. It's so short and since it's poetic in nature, every word needs to be (almost) perfect. Your writing is very much bound by the conventional fantasy voice. It lacks your own. There's too much telling. How does she feel about what's happening to her? There's only a description of state and means through which that state is achieved.
There are some rather pedestrian metaphors such as "memories like gems", and then "memories as weights". Maybe you could consider tying them up in a way and developing them. Do we hoard memories like we would precious stones, do we set them into metal and wear them, do we hide them in boxes?

Off to read the first chapter.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks! Hmm that's an interesting take on the idea - like memories are the weave but the pattern and design is bigger and shape more by other factors - that's very true, some people let their memories shape them too much - like if they had bad memories. Forgetfulness I guess fits in more as a dominant role to the character at the moment - seeing how she has no lasting memories

Thanks also for your truthful crit - I agree the entire thing needs tweaks but I mean as something written for fun it's not that bad. This was more like a teaser that was intended to be short - the character speaks in more depth later. The first few chapters read pretty rigidly as I was just getting into the idea and laying down all the boring ground-work - this character however I agree is wishy washy, I didn't enjoy writing for her as I was trying to keep it characterless and almost...blank, and to go too in depth on how she felt at this point would make the prologue long and defeat the purpose of keeping her sort of dead character-wise - later I hope to inject more personality into her as she starts to remember

Hmm well gems might refer to hoarding - if they're good memories you like to keep them and reflect back on them as something precious, if they're bad and you let them oppress you, they weigh you down and prevent you moving on - I guess some people might wear memories like brands - but then that would be a cliche phrase too - I'm finding it difficult to find phrases referring to memories that don't sound cheesy lol
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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, hey! Look at that! Congrars on the DD!! :clap:
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh my goodness...I don't know what to say -  other than I'm really surprised - grateful - but not sure it deserved it...none the less :excited: to get one on my writing is amazing, as I never thought myself particularly good compared to so many profession or better writers on dA
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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It most certainly did deserve it! And I'm going to say it again so I can spell it correctly this time ... "Congrats!!"
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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
D'aw! You're very welcome! I'm glad to have helped, and even more glad that you received a DLD for it!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:heart: you really did help!
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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
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:iconvarian-jackson:
Varian-Jackson Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Student General Artist
I really love concepts like these :P usually I'm a bit more nit picky about giving feedback on writing, but to be honest there's nothing I could think of to say other than well done :D I hope we get to see the rest!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks you!  I hope to upload a bit more soon, and break it up into small chunks
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:iconvarian-jackson:
Varian-Jackson Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Student General Artist
Looking forwards to it :D
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:icongnewi:
Gnewi Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, I love this! It has me hooked already! More! More! More! :la:
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hooray! :heart: thanks! I'll try and get more up and hopefully have it to the same level
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:icongnewi:
Gnewi Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:la: Yay!!!! I will be watching for more! :la:
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:iconmagnius159:
Magnius159 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
congrats!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks!
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:icongeak-of-nature:
Geak-of-Nature Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
interesting! but how does this person know that when she wakes that she will be reborn?  She'd have to remember previous awakenings.  So I was surprised that she thinks her going to sleep will be her last night rather than her first ....
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
She's told that she will XD
It will be her last as the person she is on that day, but her first as the person she is tomorrow XD
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013   Writer
Congratulations on your DLD, dear! :clap:
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you, I'm so excited!
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:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student Writer
Beautifully written and definitely intriguing. I love the idea that she is "reset" every day, it makes me wonder how many times she has had this same thought going through her head.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aw thanks!  Probably every day, or at least, more recently towards where the story starts :D there's a reason for that happening too - though possibly beforehand she may not have given it much thought
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:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student Writer
And wondering what that reason is will keep your readers hooked, indeed.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hoorah, that's good to hear
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here dailylitdeviations.deviantart.…
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:excited: Thank you so much! This is a wonderful surprise!
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:iconbrokentales:
BrokenTales Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013   Writer
Very interesting. It certainly interests me in the longer story. The effect of memories on who a person is fascinates me, and to match that with a Queen/God has a lot of potential.
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks! I'm glad its interesting, I think originally the whole memory theme wasn't planned, it just happened (as with a lot in this collab) but I sort of like it when that happens
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:icondoomsp0rk:
DoomSp0rk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is an excellent little prologue.  Maek moar!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks! I'm glad you like it, and will have to definately go back and edit the rest now!
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:iconburningmistress:
BurningMistress Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm not a professional or nothing, but this for me seems like a good introduction. It reminds me of a manga of some sort~
i want more~~ Gimme more *A*
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow really? Thanks, that's great! I shall have to dust off the rest!
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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Well, the first thing I have to say is that I hope it doesn't remain in the deep freeze for long. I would definitely love to see more of this tale coming along sometime in the very near future. So, in response to your third question, YES I want more!

 

I don't know how much I can speak to voice yet, or whether the piece is static or dynamic, simply because it is so short. There is definitely a lot of emotion going on, and most of it seems melancholic and full of longing.

 

There are no massive faux-pas as you call them, but there are two things I would tweak.

 

This first is simply a typo. "weights that burden and callous or souls." should be our

 

And the second is this sentence "Each night I sleep as though it is my last, the day I have lived feeling long and ageing, but filled with the short brief memories I have collected within that too-short span of existence." It is slightly awkward to read. I would break it into two sentences and tweak the second half a little bit, so maybe something like this:

 

"Each night I sleep as though it is my last. Each day I have lived feeling long and ageing, filled with the short brief memories I have collected."

 

Other than that, it is an excellent teaser that tickles my imagination! I can't wait to see where this goes next!

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December 23, 2013
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